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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2011 9:51 am 
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The Royal Wedding: 29/4/2011.

by Nick the Bookman


Was it good for all of you? I mean, The Royal Wedding Of The Century between Prince William and Catherine Middleton. I had nothing much else to do, so I tuned in for it. Keep the streak running having watched four of the more recent ones. The Poison Dwarf And The Bisexual Photographer (Margaret and Tony) on 6/5/1960. The Centauress Enjoys The Fog (Anne and Mark) on 14/11/1973. The Slow Ditherer And The Shy Debutante (Charles and Diana) on 29/7/1981. And The Heroic Golfer And The Flame Top (Andrew and Sarah) on 23/7/1986. Not all of them qualify as Royal Weddings Of The Century though. That phrase is going to be incorrect and overused as it should only apply to Charles and Diana as he is the Heir Apparent. Ditto with Wills and Kate. The others are less important in terms of The Succession, but equally vital in terms of Money Raking. Anyway, I'm going to offer my thoughts along with a trawll through the less salubrious episodes of behaviour by The Royal Family over the past three centuries.

WARNING: There will be lots of gratuitous irreverence and downright offensive comments during the course of this story. If you believe in The Happily Ever After flow of events, you should stop reading now. Keep your Fairy Tale perspective and your memories unsullied. As for those who enjoy a (fully-protected) saunter through the sewer, welcome to the real world...

It wasn't a dark and stormy night as our tale begins (though there are stark and doomy knights to come) but an overcast day at Westminster Abbey as our handsome Heir Apparent William Arthur Philip Louis finally married his common-sense, gorgeous fiancee Catherine Elizabeth. I won't be dumping on them because they are both a grounded, realistic, likable couple who are going to be the saving grace of The Monarchy. They inspire trust and devotion in their close circle of friends - none of whom harboured any thoughts of selling them out to the press. They have the regal, yet common touch. Able to walk with princes and paupers equally as Rudyard Kipling wrote in "If". And they're going to need all that solid sense when they begin to learn and understand the dark side of The Monarchy.

Let's go back to 8/3/1702 when the monstrously obese Queen Anne became the last Stuart sovereign of all. There were 57 living people with stronger claims to the throne, but they were all Catholics and barred by the 1701 Act of Settlement. The House of Stuart began with the death of the last Tudor Queen, Elizabeth I on 24/3/1603. Enter the bisexual cousin James VI, of Scotland, who also became James I of England, uniting the English and Scottish crowns. James and his son Charles I both believed in The Divine Right Of Kings. This put Charles I on a collision course with Parliament, eventually resulting in Civil War and leading to Charles I' s subsequent trial for treason against the State. The Minute Monarch was executed on 30/1/1649 outside Whitehall. His death led to the only Republic (so far) in British history - 1649 to 1660 under Oliver Cromwell. The late King's son, Charles II, (aka "The Merry Monarch" for his string of female paramours) returned from exile in France and settled scores. Including digging up the dead Cromwell, decapitating and dismembering the corpse and sticking the bits on spikes around London to rot for years. Charles II died from a stroke on 6/2/1685 and was replaced by his brother James II. Unfortunately James II had become a Catholic while in exile in France which was a no-no as far as Britain was concerned. He was deemed by Parliament to have abdicated on 11/12/1688 when he returned to exile in France. A two month Interregnum followed until 13/2/1689 when James' eldest daughter Mary II and her hunchbacked dwarfish Dutch spouse William of Orange jointly ascended the throne. They weren't Catholics. Neither was Anne, the three-year younger sister of Mary. Before she married, Mary had an unrequited Sapphic crush on Frances Apsley, the daughter of the King's hawk keepers, and deluged her with gushy love letters which ultimately didn't work. Eventually she got together with William and they became William III and Mary II. Mary produced three stillborn children between April 1678 and February 1680 and died heirless on 28/12/1694. William III was the rightful heir and reigned alone until his death on 8/3/1702. Anne was next in line. She had 19 children with George, son of Frederick III of Oldenburg, King of Denmark. He was known as Prince George, not the King Consort and died on 28/10/1708. All 19 royal progeny died before Anne passed away on 1/8/1714. Third cousin George Guelph of Hanover was waiting patiently in the wings.

Back to now time and recriminations and raised eyebrows all around London when the Who's Hot - Who's Not list is released. That is those who are invited to the Wedding and those who aren't. The divorced Duchess of York, Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson isn't coming. Still some sore feelings about her trying to flog access to ex-hubby Randy Andy for 500 grand last year. She was caught up in a sting operation by The News Of The Screws. Lady Annabel Goldsmith and Rosa Monckton, who were close friends of the late Princess Di, are out. Probably courtesy of the vengeful Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla, who was bonking Charles all through his marriage to the shy former Miss Spencer. I can't help thinking about Camilla that she should have been careful what she wished for (i.e. marriage to the future(?) Charles III) Because she got it. Her marriage to Charles was postponed one week to 9/4/2005 because the now Beatified Pope John Paul II had the temerity to die on the original wedding date. Another Catholic interference! Since then, she has apparently become more Royal than the Royals, Charles is a subordinate masochist in her hands, but her two kids with Andrew Parker-Bowles are nowhere in the Line of Succession. Must have annoyed her to see her eldest step-son get the Royal Full Monty treatment when her marriage to Daddy was the equivalent of of a Las Vegas quickie. She looked to me like she had sucked on a lemon and had a red hot suppository rammed up The Royal Tampon Holder (remember the "Camillagate" tape?).

Apparently the biggest outrage (not to me) was the absence of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. Ostensibly because they weren't members of The Royal Order of the Garter. Slightly face-saving, but bollocks. I think it was because Teflon Tone had blotted his copybook. First by trying to suck up to The Maggot Thatcher at the Hong Kong Handover Ceremony (his religious mania was definitely in check at that point). Secondly and most importantly he embarrassed The Royals and The Establishment by dubbing Diana "The People's Princess" after her death on 31/8/1997 and claiming credit for saving The Windsors from meltdown in the Days of Grief that followed. That's why he's had NO OFFICIAL RECOGNITION AT ALL since he left office after a dreadful decade in power, culminating with him foisting an unpopular Gordon Brown on the country as unelected Prime Minister. Only the fact that the 2010 MP's Expenses Scandal involved politicians of all parties prevented New Labour from a comprehensive flogging in the General Election. Incidentally The Maggot was invited to the Wedding, but was too gaa-gaa to attend.

Actually, I think the reason was much simpler. Would YOU want the perma-gurner Poodle Bliar and his pugnacious Bridezilla, Cherie The Charity Cheater, shucking and jiving around YOUR wedding? Imagine it. There's the Dubyahoo's Best Mate, swacked on a couple of caskets of sherry telling The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams how he screwed up the service. Imagine him saying how he could have done it better because he's on his Second Religion (Catholicism) now and is obviously twice as experienced. Meanwhile, his badly-behaved, morally erratic, self-important, Republican-leaning, windbag (she's a Barrister) spouse is stuffing wheels of Brie into her underbaggies along with "souvenir" items of crockery. And the Grimly Fiendish one-eyed, useless, former Chancellor Gordon "Incapability" Brown is muttering darkly about how he could have costed the Wedding for just a couple of trillion pounds or so... Fuck them all! Let's return to some historical perspective

Anyway, Anne's snuffed it. The way is clear for " a family of badly inbred Germans with a history of mental instability" to rule over Great Britain. 297 years worth so far. (For those who read my Dylan Review, I discussed briefly the blood lineage. Basically the Heir and the Spare of Wills and Kate will bring the British bloodline back over 80%. The rest is mostly German with a spattering of Danish and Greek). The House of Hanover was legal under the Act of Settlement. George I, a bucolic nitwit who spoke no English and remained in Hanover for most of his reign, was caricatured as Dunce The First by British satirists and artists. His upbringing included a strong interest in fornication to the extent that his father Ernst August told him he could sleep with "whoever he liked, providing he wasn't careless enough to let half of Europe know about his bastards". He covered his tracks well. George I married the "beautiful, but reckless" Sophia Dorothea on 21/11/1682 in Celle Castle, Germany. They were divorced on 28/12/1694 on the grounds of her affair with a studly Swedish officer called Philip von Konigsberg. After the affair was discovered, PvK mysteriously disappeared. It was rumoured that George had him hacked to pieces and buried under the hall floorboards of his palace at Hanover. Sophia was then locked away in the Castle of Ahlden for 32 years until she died on 13/11/1726. She was forbidden to remarry and never saw her children again. This caused a bitter lifelong hatred between George I (now King of Britain) and his eldest son, the future George II.

So, the unmarried George I is on the throne. His sexual needs were taken care of by two German mistresses, known for obvious reasons as The Maypole" and "The Elephant". Plus other ugly debauchees. The all-out war between father and son meant that George I relied on his Ministers rather than leave power in his son's hands while he was back on intercourse and intoxication sorties in Germany. This had a good effect in that it led to the creation of the post of Prime Minister. Robert Walpole was the first and dominated British politics from 1722-42. When Walpole retired he had overseen the foundation of modern constitutional monarchy - an executive Cabinet responsible to Parliament which in turn answered to the electorate. George I died of a stroke on 11/6/1727.

The TVB coverage of The Wedding started at 1500 hours HKT. Or seven hours ahead of London GMT. The original transmission and story ic coming from BBC Entertainment. To TVB's credit, there are no advert breaks. The expected audience is about 2 billion in 180 countries worldwide. There are several correspondents around the country. Someone called Hugh is doing the Dimbleby duties. The problem is that the BBC seems to have forgotten that most of the world doesn't have a clue who all the presenters are. Their names should have been captioned at regular intervals. Like they managed to do with most of the interviewees. Someone called Fiona is chatting with Sir Clive Woodward. He was gonged for managing England's victory in the 2003 Rugby World Cup against Australia Down Under. He knows the Heir and the Spare. Harry was nearly omnipresent at all of England's matches. Sir Clive has nothing but praise for both of them. Incidentally, one of the English players in that victorious team is Mike Tindall - the fiance of Princess Anne's daughter Zara. Don't know if he was able to attend. Other correspondents who perform are Alex, a Welsh lass, reporting from Buckleberry where the Middletons live. Chris the man on point duty on Pall Mall. Fearne who pops up on Pall Mall as well. She's interviewing Janet, an old Aussie biddie who says she has "over 12,000 pieces of Royalty China at home". And has bought "about 1,000 more pieces while here in London". Noted historian Simon Schama is about to be interviewed by Hugh, so time to go forward to the past.

Relations between George II (aka Dunce the Second) and his eldest son Frederick were only slightly better than those between Tony and Gordon. The proud papa once said that " Our first-born is the greatest ass, the greatest liar, the greatest canaille and the greatest beast in the whole world and we heartily wish he was out of it". Not sure if that was a Royal "we" like the Maggot used to say or if he was including Queen Caroline as well. (They were married on 2/9/1705 in Hanover). George II vetoed Frederick's marriage to Princess Wilhelmina of Prussia by sensibly saying "I didn't think that ingrafting my half-witted coxcomb upon a mad woman would improve the breed". Frederick retaliated by describing his father as "an obstinate self-indulgent miserly martinet with an insatiable sexual appetite". Nice one, Fred. Don't hold back. Tell us what you really think. Queen Caroline was shrewd and pragmatic and handled his dalliances with skill. She always made sure his many mistresses were basically Two-Baggers. Not that he minded. He often enlisted her help in picking up other women and regaled her with 40-50 page letters about his amorous adventures back in Hunland. The Queen did get her own back by sharing these missives with senior Government Ministers like Horace Walpole and Lord Harvey. Queen Caroline died of a bungled operation to cure a neglected strangulated hernia and basically, her bowel exploded showering the embarrassed courtiers in shit and worse. The Poet-Laureate Alexander Pope was moved to write "Here lies wrapt in 40,000 towels the only proof that Caroline had bowels". On her deathbed, the "Queen selflessly begged her husband to remarry". He declined, saying he'd "rather stick to his mistresses". She also pointed out that death would "bring the consolation of never having to set eyes on her son again". Meanwhile, Frederick amused himself by sending relays of messengers to check on his mother's last writhes. Eventually, he passed away unexpectedly on 20/3/1750, possibly from an aggravated chill or pneumonia. George II's comment was "I have lost my eldest son, but I was glad of it". George II eventually did an Elvis. Passed away from a heart attack while straining for a crap on 25/10/1760. He was 77. The throne would pass down to his grandson, George III.

There's a mind-boggling array of Royalty and lesser relatives, close friends and popular stars beginning to crowd through the gates into Westminster Abbey. Bumpkins go through the North Gate and the VIP's pass through the red-carpeted Great West Gate. Tuxedos and formal dresses topped off by bad acid trip hallucinatory hats. Yes, I'm talking about you, Princess Beatrice. You're wearing a hat that looks like a blue glossy Naugahyde section of the Sydney Opera House. I'm straining to see if anyone has dared to wear a hat with a cuckoo clock arrangement or perhaps a clockwork train running around the brim on a little lit-up fluorescing rail. But alas, no such luck. The Prime Minister's wife, Sam Cam, looks understatedly elegant in a green sheath dress, bare legs below the knee. No one is trying to zoom in on her dolphin tattoo. She's bucking the trend and is bare headed and all the better for it I say. Dave is in full Eton formal outfit. The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, aka "BoJo" is interviewed. His blonde hair looks like it's just suffered the full force of the Tuscaloosa Tornado that's just ripped Alabama to shreds. Says he and his staff and other muckers have chipped in for a Royal Tandem bicycle. Dave says the Cabinet have all made healthy donations to Wills and Kate's favourite charities. "Mr. Bean" is spotted in the crowd. Sir Elton John, also having a bad wig day, is here with his partner David Furnish. He hogs a bit of the camera limelight during the Wedding. "Posh and Becks" are here. She's hiding her girlie bump quite well, Has long hair extensions in a flowing simple pony tail, Old "Goldenballs" looks a bit rakish. Diamond earring. Unshaven (it seems) Haircut like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky III. Got the morning suit on though, along with his OBE. OK, that's enough vacuous fashion bollocks for now. Back to the dirt.

Actually, there's not that much as far as King George III goes. Aside from the possibility that he married a 19-year old Quakeress called Hannah Lightfoot, on 17/4/1759. The daughter of a Wapping shoemaker, she is said to have borne him 3 children. Documents relating to the alleged marriage which bore the then Prince of Wales' signature, were impounded and examined by the Attorney General in 1866 and are thought to be genuine. They have since disappeared into the cavernous Windsor Vaults and have not been seen since. If they are real, then George III's subsequent marriage to Queen Charlotte on 8/9/1761 was bigamous and every Monarch from then until now is an usurper. His rightful heirs would be the three children by Hannah Lightfoot. If they ever existed. George III later passed the Royal Marriages Act in 1772 to stop his numerous offspring from causing further such royal headaches by their profligate and random unprotected sexual dalliances.

Anyway, George III was relatively chaste, but his court was one of dullest, meanest and most uncomfortable in Europe. He suffered from bouts of madness, possibly due to porphyria, exacerbated by having to deal with his unruly brood of 16 children. There were 13 who survived into adulthood, including 7 sons who were described as "The Royal Vampires" by Shelley, the poet. The most complex and confusing was the eldest son and heir, Prinny, who was bright, witty and capable on one hand and also indolent, spoilt and neurotic. The future George IV was a recklessly extravagant patron of the Arts. He founded the British Museum Library and inspired Regency Architecture. But he was seen as a vain, overblown, drunken and drugged philanderer and loathed by most politicians. He apparently had about 7,000 conquests and weighed approximately a quarter of a ton. George III and Prinny got along as well as the rest of the Hanover father and sons, i.e. not at all. Meanwhile, Dad lost the American colonies in 1776 while distracted by all the family feuds. He suffered four bouts of madness which resulted in Prinny being named Prince Regent in 1811. George III grew madder, blinder and deafer in isolation and eventually died - insane - on 29/1/1820 in Windsor Castle. Prinny's decade of infamy was about to begin.

George IV had two disastrous marriages. First on 15/9/1785 at age 23 to Maria Fitzherbert, a Catholic. Wrong on two counts. He wasn't 25 as stipulated in the Royal Marriages Act and thus needed his father's blessing. Not given. Secondly, as a Catholic, the marriage broke the Act of Settlement. The marriage was eventually made to go away somehow, A second marriage was even more hellish. That was to Caroline of Brunswick on 8/4/1795. The King tried unsuccessfully to divorce her for the treasonous crime of infidelity. Didn't work. He then barred her from his coronation in 1821. She died in August that year and George IV could transfer his hatred to his feisty only child, Charlotte, born 7/1/1796. She had a miscarriage in 1816 and a stillborn son on 5/11/1817. Charlotte followed the unnamed child the next day. George IV loitered around, growing more hated by the day until his welcome death on 26/6/1830. The crown passed to younger brother William IV who was old and in the way and hung on just long enough for his niece Victoria to succeed him on 20/6/1837.

William, dressed in his red uniform of Colonel in the Irish Guards, and Harry, in his black/blue uniform of the Blues and Royal Regiment arrive at the Abbey at about 1800 HKT. They seem relaxed, chatting quietly with the leading clerics. The marriage ceremony is to be conducted by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, The Bishop of London, Richard Chartres is to read the lesson. The Dean of Westminster, Dr. John Hall does the meet and greets and tends to the "spiritual life of the Abbey". The Queen and Prince Philip are on their way. Fair play to her Majesty. Nothing bad to say about her. Except for her taste in husbands. The soon to be 90 year old Prince Philip is basically a prick and a bully. Born on 10/6/1921 in poverty on a kitchen table at Mon Repos in Corfu, he grew up to be a very blunt-spoken berk. Attacking people who don't dare treat him as he deserves. Seeing him in his black uniform, he looks like some hideous amalgamation of a senior SS Officer, crossed with Sam the Eagle from The Muppets. He's been a serial philanderer for most of his marriage and apparently has 3 illegitimate children (at least) scattered around the world. Still, he did his duty by siring Charles on 14/11/1948. Anne (supposedly his favourite) on 15/8/1950. Edward on 10/3/194. There are rumours that Andrew, born 19/2/1960, may have been fathered by Lord Porchester, the Queen's Racing Manager. The resemblance between the Lord and Andrew is uncanny and any discussion of the matter is FORBIDDEN under pain of total ex-communication.
Anyway, they've all arrived and the world is just waiting for Kate to leave the Goring Hotel and get a glimpse of The Dress. Paula Reid, the editress of LaGrazie fashion magazine has told BBC correspondent Sophie that she thinks Sarah Burton is the designer. She's now in charge of Alexander Mcqueen's collections and business since his suicide last year after the death of his mother.

Victoria came to the throne on 20/6/1837. She married Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha on 10/2/1840 after a couple of years as a single Queen. She is 3 months and 2 days older than Albert. Both of them born in 1819. A trait that's followed by Charles and Camilla. She's a few months older than him. And Kate, born in January (?) is about six months older than Wills, born on 21/6/1982. Anyway, the solidly German Victoria and Albert produced nine offspring. Four sons and five daughters. Three of the daughters would be carriers of the haemophilia gene and subsequently marry into the Royal Houses of Germany, Russia and Spain. The so-called Matriarch of Europe turned out to be the Scourge of Europe through intermarrying between the European Royal Families. The three Princesses were Victoria, the Princess Royal, and Princesses Alice and Beatrice. Also, Leopold, the youngest and brightest of Victoria's four sons died of the disease in 1884, aged 31.

Anyway, longevity equals stability as far as Victoria is concerned, She's the longest reigning Monarch, serving valiantly for 63 years, seven months and two days, despite being a grieving widow in black since 14/12/1861. Queen Elizabeth II overtakes George III on 11/5/2011 as the second longest reigning Monarch and has to go until 9/9/2015 to overtake Victoria. Here's hoping. Charles (the future) III already has the dubious distinction of being the longest waiting Monarch. All his life in fact. He overtook the previous best, Edward VII on 28/1/2008. Eddie, waited 59 years, two months, and 13 days to succeed Victoria. Which he did on 22/1/1901 Despite getting no training except as an alcoholic rake, he did a decent job and passed away before World War One. Not before terrorising all his children - a trait continued by George V who reigned from 6/5/1910.

Kate, the commoner, arrives in a Rolls Royce with her father Michael. She chooses not to use her Bride's prerogative of arriving late. Just as well. This is a finely tuned affair. The dress is not really visible. A short haired unknown blonde lady in a sleeveless green top jumps into the front seat to snap pictures of Kate settling in with her train. She is replaced by a well-dressed security officer in black and white for the short trip to the Abbey. A stunned silence around the world as the dress is finally revealed. I bet copies are already on sale in India and China by now and the hell with copyright. Excellent overhead shots of her and dad walking down the aisle to greet her almost husband and brother-in-law. The music is nice. Lots of Hubert Charles Parry who was Professor of Music at Oxford pre-W.W.1. His best compositions are the anthem "I Was Glad", the first song to be sung. And the melody for "Jerusalem", written by the mystic poet and painter, William Blake. The Wedding is finally underway.

Ah yes. King George V. Married to May of Teck on 6/7/1893. Freaked out when W.W.1 came along and changed the family name from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor. Didn't want to be thought of as nasty Huns. Even though they were since 1714. His cousin Kaiser Wilhelm, aka "sweet cousin Willy", mocked him by saying he would like to attend a performance of the play "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha". In return, British citizens began calling the penis a "willy". The King and his advisors waved a magic wand and magically transformed all the Teutonic dukes, archdukes and princelings into English marquesses. George V also decreed that the Royal Family could marry into the nobility to dilute the German bloodstrains. In 1917, George V withdrew his friendship from the lookalike Tsar, Nicholas II. He refused them asylum because he didn't want Russian Imperialism wrapped up with German ribbons to take a hold in Dear Old Blighty. After the Bolsheviks massacred the entire Russian Royal Family, George tried to lay the blame on David Lloyd George, the Prime Minister, who was innocent. He thought it was purely an internal family matter and was happy to abide by George's decision.

George V was known as "The Sailor King" He was poorly educated and not well traveled. Didn't like it. He preferred to stay at home and collect stamps and shoot and brutalise his five sons and one daughter. Unaware of mental illness, he ordered his youngest son John to be isolated at Sandringham. The forgotten Prince who was retarded and epileptic died in 1919, aged 13.
The Heir, David, was a good looking rake who was unmarried at 41. Then disaster. David, who became Edward VII in 1936, fell in love with a twice married American named Wallis Warfield Simpson. He became her subservient masochistic lap dog. George V cursed the laws of primogeniture which forbade anyone, save the eldest born, from inheriting the Throne. He wanted the second son, Bertie, to take over. Bertie was solidly married to a dumpy, rather plain Scot called Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon. It took three proposals before she accepted and that was only because she was told firmly that it was either marry Bertie or fuck off back to Scotland. Elizabeth had her heart set on David you see and when he fell for Wallis, she agreed to marry the stammerer. Then when she was secure, she started a very vicious, but discreet blood feud with Wallis.

Bertie and Elizabeth did their bit. With a little help from the technology of the age. After their marriage on 26/4/1923, she found out that Bertie was...sort of...impotent. "Not heir conditioned" as sources close to the couple said. So, Elizabeth resorted to the turkey baster. Twice. Both successes. Primitive artificial inception produced Elizabeth (the current) II. Born on 21/3/1926 by Caesarian Section. Followed by Margaret. Born on 21/8/1930. Exactly the same process. The future of the House of Windsor was secure. If only David could get out of the way...

George V died on 20/1/1936. Late in the evening. His death falls between regicide and euthanasia. His personal Doctor Lord Dawson administered a lethal Brompton Cocktail - a mix of morphine and cocaine. He then announced to the waiting press that "The King's life is drawing peacefully to a close. Lord Dawson wanted the King's death to occur before midnight so it would be announced in the morning edition of The Times. Not the Gutter Press. George V was eased into eternity for a press deadline. His last words to Lord Dawson were apparently "You bastard".

David, who became Edward VIII, didn't get coronated and abdicated on 11/12/1936 because he couldn't "reign without the help and support of the woman I love". His speech was partly written by Sir Winston Churchill, then in opposition. Edward VIII couldn't outfox the British Establishment who were appalled at a twice divorced Yank becoming Queen of England. Not even morganatically, which Edward refused to accept. So, he sailed away to exile in France at first. He married Wallis on 3/6/1937 and fell foul of his sister-in-laws irrational hatred of his bride. He was created Duke of Windsor with all the royal trappings. Wallis was Duchess of Windsor, but no royal attachments. Which was then and still is illegal. She was entitled. The popular joke at the time about them was: "He was First Lord of The Admiralty, but now he's the third mate of an American tramp". George's wife was showing her nasty little iron fist in the soft velvet glove. Personally, I think she was irrational. They should have raised statues to Wallis across Britain for removing a patently undesirable Monarch from the line of succession. In her case it was no good deed goes unpunished. For the rest of her life which ended on 24/4/1986. Edward predeceased her. He died of cancer on 28/5/1972. She lived on as a recluse, just wasting away from despair and desolation as much as anything else. Thanks to Queen Elizabeth, wife of King George VI.

The wedding ceremony is going smoothly. No stumbling over the names although Kate is rather quiet. The Heir to the Throne and the Commoner lave the Abbey as Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Now the fun begins. Fanfares. A natty chariot ride back to Buckingham Palace. Egged on all the way by hundreds of thousands ecstatic fans from across the Commonwealth and America. There's the mandatory balcony appearance with the in-laws complete with not one, but two kisses. No tongue action visible so they're not right royal snogs. There's the great photo of three-year old bridesmaid Grace Van Cutsem with her hands over her ears. She's now a Photoshop sensation on the net. And then the celebrations at The Palace and further parties for close friends and special selected guests. Good luck to them both. They deserve it.

You've got to hand it to the Brits. They do the Pomp and Pageantry better than any other nation on earth. Better than the US Presidents like the Reagans. Better than the late Shah of Iran. Better than the nasty genocidal military regime in Burma/Myanmar or all the Central African cannibal crackpots. So, we'll leave the happy couple to their revels. We can all believe that neither of them were virgins on the day. And the fertility issue has hopefully been addressed. Be a shame if it turned out they were biologically incapable of making the Heir and the Spare. Which brings up two juicy topics in the latest issue of The National Enquirer. They write that Wills and Kate will do a Brangelina and adopt. Kids should get the titles, but not be in the line of succession. They also revealed that Kate's got some odd relatives as well. Brother James, who read the lesson during the ceremony, is a transvestite at times. So what. Every woman who wears jeans or a shell suit or a formal pants suit can be considered a cross-dresser. So can all the crazy Celts in their killer kilts. Or anyone who wears a sarong or a lap lap. James got his invitation along with his sisters. Pippa was a bridesmaid. But her uncle who is a reformed cokehead and her cousin who is a stripper/pole dancer and her grandmother who thinks that Kate has married beneath her weren't at the Wedding.

Right. Time to end this short piece. George VI and his wife had their finest moments during World War Two. She was considered "the most dangerous woman in Europe" by Adolf Hitler. They helped the Allies win the War. After George died on 6/2/1952 from cancer, she saw Elizabeth become a sensational Queen and (quasi) political leader. Her mother wangled herself the title Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother and spent the rest of her years fooling the public. She admitted that people all "think I'm a nice person. Well, I'm not a nice person" She guzzled gin by the gallon. Had her own private racing telex machine in Clarence House. Got away with an overdraft of millions of quid. Made a bit of a boo boo in mentoring Diana, but failed to tell her that Charles would see nothing wrong in cheating on her with Camilla, so suck it up bitch. She wore a 24/7 colostomy bag in her declining years. Hence the flowery muu-muu dresses. Her teeth weren't the Best of British. No one ever failed to tell her how great she was. She died in May 2002, three months after her youngest daughter Margaret. I don't have those dates at hand, but they're in Piers Morgan's juicy read "The Insider" I just forgot to bring it with me when I wrote this story. All the historical information is taken from "Britain's Royal Families - The Complete Genealogy" by Alison Weir. "Royal Scandals" by Michael Farquhar. "Royal Babylon" by Karl Shaw and "The Royals" by Kitty Kelley. A book so deliciously inflammatory about the Royals from the death of Victoria to Diana's death that it's still banned in Britain. I didn't do much on the current crop of Royals. Charles and Anne have divorced and re-married. Andrew is divorced, but still best friends with Fergie "the mother of my children". Edward is still married to Sophie Rhys-ones, aka The Duchess of Wessex. She had a miscarriage in 2001, but has since produced a daughter who was among the bridesmaids. And f*** it. I've been typing this story for seven hours and it's time to end it. Just like this.

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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2011 6:04 pm 
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"The Royals" by Kitty Kelley. A book so deliciously inflammatory about the Royals from the death of Victoria to Diana's death that it's still banned in Britain. .


Very comprehensive and fun.

Kitty Kelley's book isn't banned in Britain though: if it is, nobody has told Amazon.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_ ... the+royals

Confirmed royalists should see "The King's Speech".

Moderately interesting for republicans too......


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